Baby Blues

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I’m a selfish person; I feel so envious of pregnant women or couples with children.  I have such a heavy heart because I want a baby so badly.  I worry about “my kids” all the time, but mostly, I worry that I’ll never get to meet them.  I’m in a strange position, because while we’ve only been trying to conceive for about 7 months, we are going into it knowing that I have some reproductive issues.  I have PCOS and a tilted uterus.  I have absolutely no regularity to my cycles – they range in length from 11 days to 65 within the past year.  I have been trying to chart and track, but honestly, there’s pretty much no pattern.  Also, my past 2 cycles have been very painful – much more so than any I’ve ever had before.  I’ve really been debating about getting it checked out by the doctor, but I’m so afraid that they will say that I can’t have children.  Also, my husband and I work really bizarre schedules, and don’t have any flexibility in that regard, so unfortunately, not great for baby making.

I know it’s probably silly, but every decision I make in life is for my family – my job, my car, the things I’m looking for in a house.  Without children, who would I be?  Why does every month that I’m not pregnant feel like some personal failure?

It’s something that I continually struggle with, because I’m a control freak.  My husband, who always tells me the right things (even when I don’t want to hear them), reminds me that it is not my timing or my will, but God’s.  One of my favorite verses lately is Proverbs 16:9 “In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.”  I hope that God will give me the child(ren) that I continually pray for, but I know that His plans for me are bigger and better than my own.  The waiting, though, is always the hardest part.

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10 thoughts on “Baby Blues

  1. I spent 3 years similar to you. I made every decision for the family I hoped for one day. And I felt just as selfish and almost vindictive when it came to others’ pregnancies. It did become easier.Just maybe not much x

    • It’s ironic, almost, isn’t it? I love being around babies, but I’m almost angry at women who can get pregnant so easily, and angry at my body for not being able to just do what it’s supposed to do. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. Thanks for the kind words.

  2. I understand the feeling. My husband and I are in the same place. For some reason, the thought of Christmas feels sad for me because I didn’t have very good ones as a child and I want to share the beauty of the season with my husband and children (which I have yet to have). Hope deferred really does make the heart sick. I’m sending prayers and well wishes your way!

  3. I know how you feel…I absolutely love kids but it seems like lately when I see babies all I think is oh why isn’t that me? Just have to trust God I guess! Sending warm wishes and prayers your way that it won’t be long until you have your own little one 🙂

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