I’m a selfish person; I feel so envious of pregnant women or couples with children. I have such a heavy heart because I want a baby so badly. I worry about “my kids” all the time, but mostly, I worry that I’ll never get to meet them. I’m in a strange position, because while we’ve only been trying to conceive for about 7 months, we are going into it knowing that I have some reproductive issues. I have PCOS and a tilted uterus. I have absolutely no regularity to my cycles – they range in length from 11 days to 65 within the past year. I have been trying to chart and track, but honestly, there’s pretty much no pattern. Also, my past 2 cycles have been very painful – much more so than any I’ve ever had before. I’ve really been debating about getting it checked out by the doctor, but I’m so afraid that they will say that I can’t have children. Also, my husband and I work really bizarre schedules, and don’t have any flexibility in that regard, so unfortunately, not great for baby making.
I know it’s probably silly, but every decision I make in life is for my family – my job, my car, the things I’m looking for in a house. Without children, who would I be? Why does every month that I’m not pregnant feel like some personal failure?
It’s something that I continually struggle with, because I’m a control freak. My husband, who always tells me the right things (even when I don’t want to hear them), reminds me that it is not my timing or my will, but God’s. One of my favorite verses lately is Proverbs 16:9 “In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” I hope that God will give me the child(ren) that I continually pray for, but I know that His plans for me are bigger and better than my own. The waiting, though, is always the hardest part.