He is 15 weeks old, my little boy. Our days right now are often a whirlwind of diapers, burp cloths, and breast pump pieces. He wakes up at least once, but usually about 3 times at night to eat. Because I went back to work full-time when J was 8 weeks old, I spend an average of 4 hours a day attached to a breast pump. Everday, there is laundry, and dishes, and trash to take care of. I sleep 6 broken hours on a good day, and shower 3 times a week. At least once a week, I work a 14-hour shift which means I am gone for more like 16 hours. The Mr. works nights, and keeps J as much as he can while I’m at work, but has to have help from both of our moms some. I am tired all the way down to my bones. The days can be very, very long…
But the years are short. Really, even the weeks and months are short. I was just pregnant last week, it seems, and staring for hours on end at his tiny, newborn face just yesterday. Wasn’t it just an hour ago that he turned 1 month old? When did he become an almost-4-month old, who is trying to teethe and learning to sit up? My heart aches and rejoices in the same beat, how bittersweet it is to watch him grow. I love him so immensely that sometimes it takes my breath away.
But I miss so much of him, I just work too much – 45+ hours a week. In my dreams, I am a stay-at-home mom. I can see me, clipping coupons and washing cloth diapers, scrubbing toilets and making home-made baby food. When I was on maternity leave, our laundry was washed and we always had clean dishes in the house, Jake got stories and songs everyday and Brian got dinner every night. I would be such a good mom if I just could be. Motherhood was my true life calling, but it doesn’t pay our bills, so each day, I have no option. I get up, get dressed, and go to work. At night, when I’m alone, I cry. On the days when Jake gives Brian a hard time, I only feel jealousy that he is spending time with J that I don’t get. I would gladly take 8 colicky hours with J over even 1 quiet hour without him. I just pray everyday that I will learn to live with our current situation, and that I will cherish every moment I can get with my little darling.
Because the days are long, but the years are oh so short.